Personal // Life is HARD. Life can hurt. But it’s also beautiful. My Journey Through Miscarriage.
When I was going through my yoga training, a wise teacher told us that no matter what happened in his personal life, he would still show up to teach his scheduled classes. The concept was foreign to me… what do you mean you would still show up, if your parent died? If something tragic happened in your life? You would show up?! I was baffled by his reasoning and the concept.
Two years later, I know exactly what he was talking about. In March of this year, my husband and I suffered our first miscarriage. We were torn, we were broken, and we were helpless. But somehow we managed to pick ourselves up, concentrate on our beautiful two year old daughter and slowly start to heal. After some time we felt whole again.
In June of this year, we suffered another loss once again. This time was different. We were in complete shock and felt more helpless than before. We didn’t know what to feel, we didn’t know what to say.
So after holding back tears (and shedding quite a few) that June mid-afternoon, we decided to show up to an event we had planned on going to that afternoon. We simply showed up. We held back the tears and tried to go on with life. We slowly trekked ahead. It was hard. We really wanted to crawl underneath the covers and stay there. I was questioning every choice and decision I made the last couple of months. Did I eat something bad? Was it the coffee? Should I have rested more? I wanted to sob, I wanted to linger, I wanted to question, I wanted to have a conversation with that little annoying voice in my head. But instead, we simply showed up.
We also decided that instead of rescheduling my photoshoots that week, I would show up. I moved on slowly and got busy with work. I showed up to the newborn session, where I marveled at the beauty of the stunning 7 day old baby girl. That first shoot after our news made me realize how much of a miracle our two year old daughter really was and how lucky I was to carry her to full term. I was worried I would take one photo of her and start crying. Instead I surprisingly felt the opposite.
I was able to get away from my own mind and simply take it all in. Take in the blessings we have been given in life. We have been very fortunate and that second miscarriage, in the end, made us appreciate all that we have even more.
I showed up to a total of five shoots that week, including a wedding. My body and mind were weak and broken but being around people made me feel strong. They made me feel human again without even trying. No one knew I was going through a miscarriage that week. No one needed to know. Their presence alone made me feel whole again. They didn’t look at me with the sympathy eyes… we simply made conversation, I got to know them and I photographed a wonderful milestone in their lives. They made me appreciate life and the little moments. They got me away from that lingering little voice in my head.
Life is HARD. Life can hurt. But it’s also beautiful.
The last couple of months have been difficult for us. They have. I don’t want to admit it but it’s been tough. Even writing this, I am fighting back tears. But the last couple of months made us realize the importance of being thankful for everything we do have.
We are lucky. We are healthy. We are in love. We have a beautiful baby girl and family and friends that support us unconditionally.
So finally after those years, I understood what that wise yogi was trying to teach us… hard times are going to happen, it’s inevitable. But no matter what, you dust off the hard times the best you can, and show up. It will empower you, it will take your mind off things (maybe just for a bit), it will help you move on, it will help you feel WHOLE again.
By no means, is our journey over and the wounds will take time to heal but showing up made us realize that life IS beautiful, and we are grateful for each experience life has brought our way.
I am writing this with sincere gratitude. THANK YOU to our family members, friends, colleagues, clients and those that are a part of our lives and helped us heal. Thank you for your kind words and actions, you helped me without even knowing.
Life is good.
7/25/2016 11:18:32 am
Great message Dom! Life is beautiful indeed :)...all the best going forward!
7/25/2016 07:25:19 pm
Dominka, I'm a Centerville friend of the Fitzgeralds and I'm amazed at your insight; they are such profound words! I'm so sorry for your loss. Your insight, seeking out the good things, strength and love will get you through this. I'll keep you in my prayers.
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